Carmelo Anthony… It’s a bit of a stretch but it’s also the best I can do. And… I realize I’m going bald, so save your comments.
It was brought to my attention that last week’s review of the Butterfinger may have been a bit too crass for some of your liking. I feel the need to address the situation and clear the air. You, the fans, are what has made this blog the world-renowned powerhouse it is today and at a minimum I owe all of you an apology and an explanation.
First off, I apologize to anyone who still thought that Chipwrecks was somehow associated with the children’s movie Chipwrecked. Let me be clear, we have no association whatsoever with that movie nor Fox Searchlight Movie Productions. This is a blog about bullshit and is not intended for kids.
Secondly, I didn’t become one of the most influential bloggers on the planet without taking a few chances. I would not be where I am today without making an occasional finger banging innuendo and risking possibly offending some of you along the way. That’s just what I have to do. The Chipwrecks empire may one day come crumbling down around me and I could lose everything with this kind of an attitude but if I don’t stand up for what I believe in I could never live with myself. I would never feel comfortable driving around in my Lamborghini, sailing my yacht to the Bahamas or sitting on the porch of my Nantucket home if I wasn’t true to myself. So, if you aren’t comfortable now and then with a few poop jokes and the occasional finger banging reference, you should probably be playing around on Pinterest instead.
As always, thank you for your continued support and I ate a Caramello last week…
For some reason before I was eating it, I felt like I was being seduced by the sultry voice of Barry White. “Mmmmm, Chippp, how about a… Caramello? Dark, chocolate, love… Creammmyy, smoothh caramel…” I had to look over my shoulder a few times to make sure no one was watching me be beguiled by Barry’s voice. Then I took a bite and the Caramello was more Hootie and the Blowfish than it was Barry White.
The Caramello comes in six separate triangles that break off forming six individual bites. You therefore are not forced to make the impossible decision on your own of how big the next bite should be. I’ve found making that determination difficult with some of the previous candy bars. For instance with the Baby Ruth, I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to bite into the bar or just shove the whole 5 inches into my mouth at once. It didn’t explain it to me on the wrapper. How am I supposed to know? The Caramello lays it out there and make’s that decision for you. “You will have one triangle and nothing more.” (Seriously though, are we so goddamn lazy that we can’t just ration these things ourselves? I may be the last American alive eating 1/3 of a candy bar.)
The chocolate tasted boring and familiar. The caramel… well I wanted it to ooze all over my mouth but it kinda just dribbled over the side of the bar. I’m not even sure there was caramel and with a name like Caramello you should be dropping loads of caramel in my mouth not sending me to the bottom of a mine shaft searching for it.
Diabetes Ranking (1 to 5) = 2.5 Shots of Insulin
Next week we sashay down to the Carolina’s with a Charleston Chew. Eight inches of hard chocolate packed with vanilla cream.
PS It was brought to my attention by coworkers that this was a faulty Caramello and was possibly a little old. Eating candy is so complicated. I don’t know how you people do it?
PPS Their old slogan is “stretch it out” how the F did I miss that!?
Also… I wish this was a Caramello product so I could have mentioned it.