Survivor South Pacific, we have our first Redemption Island Duel of the season, between Samhaggar the poet and Christine with the filthy neck. (Seriously why is her neck so dirty?)

Christine mysteriously starts off before the challenge complaining about how no one in her tribe wants to play the game hard yet.  Because don’t people who come out swinging historically get voted out right away?  Before the duel Samhaggar rambles some weird poem about a guy she has never met and with her looming demise it becomes obvious she is just trying to get any air time before she’s gone.  The poem has NOTHING to do with Survivor or the duel but I guess she has to get attention somehow.  Coach rolls his eyes during her poem, the irony of which is not lost on me as Coach has some of the most infamous rants in show history.

Christine ends up winning what is a rather boring challenge where they had to balance a piece of wood on a stick.  As Samhaggar is leaving she calls the game of Survivor cruel, which prompts Probst to remind her that she came on Survivor…  a game about voting people out.  I will miss her water jugs.

When we get back to the blue camp, Lil’ Hantz, (former Survivor all-star Russell’s nephew) predictably can’t deal with the guilt of not telling everyone he is related to Russell, so he takes off his shirt and shows everyone his Hantz tattoos.  It’s pretty anti-climactic as no one really gives a shit and all he did was make the tattoo on his back into a target.

Lil Hantz then tells us he doesn’t want drama but calls a “tribe meeting” so as to not draw attention to himself?  He then berates my girlfriend Mikayla for not being in an open alliance and the tribe stares awkwardly at one another, confused about why they even met.  Lil Hantz is overcome with guilt from God because God apparently has nothing better to worry about than to ensure that this chubster wins a reality show.

We are then treated to a bevy of cliché’s by the tribe about “Reap what you sow,” “You can’t judge a book by its’ cover” and a mangled ass something about “Waters up under the bridge.”

When we go over to the red tribe Ozzy can’t deal with the guilt of having the secret hidden immunity idol and tells Keith.  Within minutes Keith has told the rest of the tribe, as he should have.  It isn’t called the “secret” idol for nothing.  Last time Ozzy was on the show, he did the exact same thing, found the idol and then told someone.  This ultimately led to him being back-doored at the next vote.  Why are you telling anyone in the first place!?  There is no question in my mind I could take things to the grave on this show.  It is a game.  It’s like playing poker and showing the person you’re heads up with you have pocket aces.  Just makes no sense.

The immunity challenge is too complicated to explain but involves body boarding, grappling hooks, where Coach is like a secret grappling hook savant and then hanging banners.  After Lil Hantz points to the sky a few times like he is Tim Tebow, the blue tribe wins what turns out to be a pretty blase’ blah challenge.  Coach, Lil Hantz and Mikayla are safe for the week.

Before the immunity vote, the self titled “Papa Bear,” a NYC Detective, tries to pull some shenanigans by running into the woods to pretend he finds a secret idol.  He then stashes a wad of coconut husks in his already too tight boxers and proclaims to everyone that he found the idol.  No one is fooled by his antics and in a predictable Tribal Council he is voted out.

I have no clue what the red tribe is waiting for with Ozzy.  How these retread “all-stars” make it past one week is beyond me.  They better start to focus on Ozzy or he could make a run for the title.  Look’s like we are in for a few weeks of keeping the strong players and trimming the fat to start the season.

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