“Evrathing is hunka doree.”  I was going to stop using the actual show titles as the name of these recaps and just start going with random shit Stacey said because these quotes are breathtaking. 

Before the redemption challenge Probst interviews Stacey about being voted out last week.  This is an actual quote, so please read carefully. 

“They over there listening to all of the Benjamins Halloween jokes. Ahh Chucky The Cheese jokes.  They eh eh they want it. He going off of loyalty.  Got then see, Oh Ben so loyalty. Come on.  Everyday got a story.  I wasnt buying it, heh eh hehe, No. So they treat like yesterday like the tribe that was all cahoots.  Benjamin lets give a hug.  Pssst… Keep that hug. Boop for me cause it wasn’t real.”

I have no idea what any of that means… but I love it.  Who exactly is Chucky The Cheese and what are Halloween jokes?

Stacey complains some more about how Coach’s real name is Benjamin and she wont call him Coach.  Whatever… Coach eventually finds out about this atrocity and says “No one calls me Benjamin.  My parents even call me Coach.” 

Alas, Stacey competes against Dirty Neck in some kind of a Mouse Trap game on redemption beach.  They drop a rubber ball into a maze and the person who drops a ball first is eliminated.  It’s another one of the stupid challenges where you can’t tell who is in the lead… Dirty Neck is consistent and Stacey…  Well Stacey drops the ball and is eliminated along with some of the best quotes in show history.

At the blue tribe, we begin again with Brandon apologizing.  He wakes everyone up early, then minutes later apologizes for waking them up?  Ok, why are you waking anyone up ever?  You don’t have anywhere to be or anything to do.  “Hey Brando, I’m in the South Pacific pretty much on a paid vacation.  Can I at least sleep in you jackass?”  Regardless, Brandon is interviewed and again he cries about the Hantz family name.  Then calls my girlfriend, Mikayla, “prejudiced” against the Hantz family.  Dude better watch his back around me talking about her like that.

A new player, Albert and his abs, are apparently on the show.  He finds the clue to the hidden immunity idol and after searching for what looks like 10 minutes, shows Coach the clue.  Again… what?  What else do you have to do besides look for this idol?  After searching a while, Coach finds the idol, which he rightfully keeps for himself.

At the red tribe Elyse is interviewed and says how she and Ozzy “See the game the same?”  They haven’t had to make any decisions yet.  Isn’t it a little early to start singing Kumbaya?   Ozzy tells Elyse “You’re like my little omen.” I’m sorry but when I think of omens I think of this.  Which is not a good thing.

Ozzy then reveals to the tribe that he thinks Coach should get rid of one of his stronger players which sends Jim into a rightful tizzy.  “If Ozzy thinks Coach should vote off a strong player, then he must plan to do the same thing.”  Jim rallys the troops early and convinces Keith that they are next and need to break up Ozzy and Elyse.

What is wrong with Ozzy.  For real?  This guy is such a horrible game player.  Is he actually being out Survivored by Coach?  Why openly reveal so much?  

Ozzy then goes fishing with Cochran and tells us how difficult fishing is.  How when he fishes, he cuts his hands and has to hold his breath.  Come on dude, is that what you’re hanging your hat on?  Cochran pretty much sums Ozzy up by saying that besides fishing, he is just a “Middle-aged lazy ass.” 

The immunity challenge is…  well…. disgusting.  With their hands tied behind their backs, each team has ten minutes to bite pork off a spit and put it in a basket.  The team with the most pork in their basket at the end wins. 

At the last second Mikayla picks up a piece off the ground, puts it in her teams basket and the blue team ends up winning by 2 ounces.  22 pounds 12 ounces to 22 pounds 14 ounces.  Mikayla saved the day with her dirty meat.  Brandon points to the sky thanking god for the victory and continues to be the Tim Tebow of Survivor.

Before Tribal Council, Ozzy explains to everyone that they will be voting out Cochran.  Too bad no one is listening.  Ozzy isn’t running shit because Jim has other things in mind.  Jim talks to Keith, that blonde chick, Cochran and Dawn.  Together they send Ozzy’s sidekick, Elyse, to redemption island.

Next week Ozzy acts like a 5-year-old and decides he is going to play the game alone, which is always a good strategy on Survivor.

Boop for me cause it wasn’t real.

 

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