Not to get too far ahead of myself but I write this week’s recap with a heavy heart.

We start off at the red tribe with Ozzy pretty much acting like a 5-year-old because his partner in crime Elyse was backdoored last week. (Get your mind out of thew gutter.)  For someone on their third go-round at this game Ozzy sure takes shit personally.  While ranting to the tribe, Ozzy tells everyone he is a “free agent” and then reveals that he has the hidden immunity idol?  I don’t get it, it’s called the “hidden” idol for a reason.  Nothing good comes from telling people you have it.  Keith tells Ozzy, “If you want to get voted out, well see ya buddy.”  Such a passive aggressive “fuck you cry baby.”

Afterwards, they interview Ozzy while he is spear fishing and he essentially tells us that the tribe can’t vote him out because he is such a big contributor.  I felt like I was watching a Saturday Night Live skit mocking Ozzy because at this point he has on his snorkeling mask, which makes him sound like Kermit the Frog and as he says “I’m a big part of the tribe,” he holds up possibly the smallest fish in the ocean.  I mean, seriously, is that thing even food?

My new buddy Cochran is killing it for comedy and is good for calling Ozzy a shmuck at least once a week.  This week he refers to him as a “stupid bitch.”  He is somehow growing on me.

Over at the blue tribe we are reminded that Brandon is Russel’s nephew yet again with some creepy comparison to their gaits.  I’m the biggest Russell fan ever but dude isn’t on this season, can we be done with him for god’s sake?  Brandon finds the clue to the hidden immunity idol and begins a frantic search for the idol, which is sad, because Coach already has it.  While Brandon is ransacking the beach, Coach starts feeling bad and wants to tell him he has it. However, the tribe agrees that revealing it to Brandon would send him into another one of his lunatic spirals and instead they leave him to forage like a fool.  I wouldn’t tell him either if it kept him as far away from me as possible.  Kid’s got some screws loose.

Coach tries to reassure himself that not telling Brandon is only withholding information and not lying.  I’m sorry Coach but withholding information is exactly lying.  Good luck with that defense in a court of law buddy.

In other news Coach is 39 years old?  I thought he was like 50.

At the Redemption Beach duel Dirty Neck is back for her fourth challenge.  She may have a new name with me, Dirty Face.  Maybe I’m just being insensitive (does she have some kind of a birthmark on her face?) but she always has crap on her face like she just ate a burger.  Clean yourself up dammit!  How does CBS not see this?  Wipe her face for the love of god!

In the duel, Dirty Neck battles Elyse in shuffleboard.  Every week is turning into a bar sports competition, cornhole two weeks ago, shuffleboard this week.  I imagine next week will be either flippy cup or Megatouch sports trivia.  Anyways, Dirty Neck pulls off another victory and cries when they send her back to Redemption Beach alone.  What is there to cry about?  Sounds like heaven to me.  Sleep all day and go chill in the ocean?

Elyse is sent home and the redemption elimination is once again anti-climactic.  It just isn’t the same as the thrill of having your torch extinguished.  I like the redemption twist but CBS needs to make it more final.  Right now it’s sort of “Well….. see ya.”

Back at the blue tribe Coach is starting to get close to Edna, who continues to look clueless as to where she is.  Coach starts discussing with her voting out the wonderful Mikayla, which could send me into an uproar!  He asks her “Are you ready to follow me into battle?”  Really Coach?  Battle?  Battle is not pushing a cart filled with coconuts.  I’ll refer you to some of our boys overseas to discuss what battle is.

Edna continues to wear a piece of paper as a hat.  Is that sheet music?  What is that?

When we head to the red tribe, Ozzy realizes he fucked up and decides to apologize.  “I told you about the idol to get closer to everyone.” What?  That doesn’t work my friend.  You were trying to get closer to us?  That was the same conversation where you called us all rats and berated us right?  No one’s buying it buddy.

Jim is becoming my early favorite to win. (Which I’m sure is the kiss of death for him.)  He calls out Ozzy’s bullshit, saying “Free agent for who? He’s got nowhere to go, except for us.”  He’s got his finger on this tribe and points out that Ozzy helps win now and is a bigger target if he makes it to the merge.  Essentially hoping to keep Ozzy around to sacrifice if they need the numbers.  When did he get so smart?

For this weeks immunity challenge, each team has to push a wheelbarrow full of coconuts through a maze and then shoot the coconuts with a water balloon launcher at targets.

The red team picks Ozzy and Dawn to push the wheelbarrow?  Am I missing something?  Why does this Mormon mini Oom Pah Loom Pah keep getting picked to do the physical challenges?  Of course when the challenge starts, she can’t push the cart leaving Ozzy to basically do it all himself, giving the blue team a huge lead in the maze.

Once they get to the targets, Jim looks like he has been launching coconuts out of a water balloon launcher his entire life and mows down the targets, giving the red team a huge come from behind victory.  I am positive that Jim has tried to shoot a water balloon into a tuba while a marching band was walking in front of his house.

Coach begins to blame Mikayla and my blood begins to boil.

When they get back to camp, Coach and is looking to get my girl out and starts spreading the word.  He locks up his new sidekick Edna’s vote and talks to Brandon about his.  Crazy B says that even though he thinks Mikayla should stay and Edna should go, that he is a man of his word and will vote Mikayla out?  Pointing out that “the next challenge is detrimental to how the game will be played.”   I don’t have a strong grasp of the English language but I don’t think that makes sense?

What the hell is going on in this tribe?  For real.

Albert’s abs, Sophie and Mikayla agree that keeping the tribe stronger physically is more important than keeping the tribe strong as a cohesive unit and decide to vote out Edna and her hat.  This leaves Ranger Rick as the lone swing vote.  In true Survivor fashion, CBS leaves us waiting and in a vote of 4-3 the greatest player in Survivor history, Mikayla,  is sent to Redemption Beach.

After the vote, in a rather creepy moment, Coach tells Brandon he loves him.  Again there are more tears. Enough with the crying,  they’re turning into elephant tears.

Next week.  The blue team prays because god wants them to win.

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