Survivor  never ceases to amaze me.  This week the “all-star,” Ozzy, makes what may be the greatest or worst move in the 22 season history of the show.

We start off at the blue beach.  The tribe discusses that after Brandon’s tribal council breakdown last week, he may be becoming a liability.  Really?  You don’t think you can trust this kid?  This kid is more of a flip-flop than my Havaianas.  I don’t think you have to worry about him flipping but he might flip out.  Kid is Loco.  It even says it on his neck tattoo.

Coach makes a reference to Of Mice and Men, about putting a bullet into Lenny’s (Brandon’s) head.  #1. Were talking about Survivor right?  I love when things get so serious.  #2. I’m convinced Coach looks up random references before he goes on the show, just to try and sound profound.

Boom!  Right away to Redemption Beach.  This week my girlfriend, Mikayla, steps into the octagon to take on Dirty Neck/Ketchup Face.  The competition is to take apart a wooden box, build a bridge from the wood slats and then do a puzzle.  It comes down to the puzzle, of course, and Mikayla yells out to Probst she is finished!  I, no joke, jumped up off the couch and did a small fist pump, since my girl will be staying.
Probst: “No, the puzzle is not right.”
Wait what……?  Mikayla has two slats in the wrong spot and Christine pulls on a last second victory.  Her fifth Redemption Beach win.  Alas, Mikayla will be going home.

I had to pause the DVR, shed a few tears and decide if I could continue watching this season without her…  Under protest, I will try to move on without you Miki.

After the duel, Ozzy decides they need to deploy someone to Redemption Beach.  Someone must knock out the ever powerful Christine and even the numbers.  Wait what?  Now Ozzy’s plan is to give the immunity idol to someone in his tribe and then sacrifice himself to go beat Christine?  Am I missing something?  When is it ever a good idea to get yourself voted out?  I would maybe understand these moves if this was season one of this show or Ozzy was a rookie but this is a seasoned veteran.  What is going on!?

Cochran’s, state the obvious, Ozzy quote of the week “Ozzy goes from bitter free agent temper tantrum throwing baby, to a new man.”  Touche’ Mr. Cochran…. Touche’.

Flash to the blue tribe.  Coach is alone on the beach practicing his Karate Kid crane kick and praying to “Father.”  There’s just something off to me about doing karate poses and praying to a Christian God at the same time.   I will agree that God had to love the Karate Kid move though, regardless of his religious affiliation.

Coach starts to feel the guilt of holding the hidden immunity idol and tries to hatch a plan to let the entire tribe know he has it.  Once again, why are we telling people we have this “hidden” idol.  HIDDEN!  Stop telling people and HIDE it!

Last week Coach wasn’t sure if he was lying by not revealing information.  Which, yes, that is exactly lying.  This week he gathers the tribe together and leads a prayer to find the idol… which he already has.  Ok THAT is also lying Coach.

Coach and Sophie walk into the jungle to throw off the scent and then come back to the tribe and reveal they have just found the hidden idol.  “We just found it.”  Again… this is lying.

Brandon then reminds us that God has a vested interest in the blue tribe.  I’m not sure why God is more interested in the blue tribe more than the red, since God loves us all equally.  Hmm.  I also don’t know how God has time for Survivor when he is focusing all of his efforts on the Denver Broncos and Tim Tebow.

For the immunity challenge everyone has to pair up as twins and paint themselves to look like someone else in the tribe.  They all look like idiots and beyond the looking like idiots part, being painted has nothing to do with the challenge.  Brandon and the bra….  Not sure I even want to go there.  This kid’s inner turmoil is literally at it’s breaking point.

In addition to immunity this week, the winning tribe will get to go watch the new Adam Sandler movie “Jack and Jill.”  Do I have to?  Can’t I just sit in the jungle and chop open coconuts?  That sounds way more entertaining than anything Zohan has done in the past fifteen years.

Probst, you sly dog…get me that shirt and hat combo!

During the challenge, the blue team does more praying.  Then after the challenge, you guessed it, more praying.  Coach tells us the challenge was about “family and hidden trust.”  Is someone related to him on the show?  No, so…. it’s not about family.  Hidden trust, I am not 100% sure what that even is but I am positive this challenge was not about family.  He calls the blue tribe “incompromisable” which is Coach’s not a word, word of the week.

After the challenge the red tribe starts to scramble to decide who will be voted out.  The initial plan is to send Cochran and his mad skills to take out Christine.  Cochran pipes up and asks “I suck at everything but you expect me to be funny to win?”  Again, great point Mr. Cochran.  Why not just say, “Besides ripping on Ozzy, I am useless, don’t vote me out.”

At the last-minute, Ozzy decides that he would like to follow through on his original hair-brained idea.  He will sacrifice himself, go to Redemption Beach and then beat Christine, thus evening the tribes at 6-6.  I will try to explain this move but it is so stupid and obnoxious, I am almost unable to.

Right now the tribes are 6 blue vs 6 red.  Christine is a former blue tribe member and is at Redemption Beach.  She despises the blue tribe and will 100% be going to the red tribe when they merge.  Ozzy thinks that if they merge the next episode, that he will go beat Christine now, then rejoin his tribe and we are deadlocked at 6-6.  They have Christine’s vote and I don’t get how they aren’t aware of that after she flipped her old tribe the bird on multiple occasions.  AND the big question mark is… WHY RISK YOUR SURVIVOR LIFE!?  So frustrating.  Sit back, shut your mouth and skate along.  This is how champions are crowned!

Needless to say, the red tribe unanimously votes to send Ozzy to compete against Christine.

As Ozzy is leaving the tribe actually says to him “Come on Ozzy you can do it.”   Almost sounding like a tee-ball mom, “Yeah Ozzy.”  Vomit.

Just a complete lack of understanding of the game of Survivor by everyone involved.  It could turn out to be a genius move, however, I don’t foresee that happening.  Survivor never plays by the rules.

See you next week.  I’m off to cry myself to sleep with visions of Mikayla and sugar plums.