Welcome to this week’s episode of the Coach Ben Wade show.  There hasn’t been anyone with a lock on his tribe members and a guaranteed season victory since….  well last season when Boston Rob Mariano just dominated from start to finish.

It’s the last episode before the finale.  T minus four days until we get to see some live Miki!

The show starts in the usual night vision with the five people left at camp calling themselves “the final five.”  Aren’t Edna Ma and The Great and Powerful Oz still alive in this game?  That makes seven by my count.

As soon as they get back to camp Brandow has to pray.  I don’t know how God has time to do anything with the amount of time he is spending answering Brandow’s prayers.  I would guesstimate that 100% of the time either Brandow or Tim Tebow is praying, therefore, I am blaming all the world’s problems on their over praying.  God needs a break for God’s sake!  (That’s a time when you can actually say “for God’s sake.”)  Shouldn’t some of your prayers be a private moment between you and God, not broadcast on national television?  It kind of loses it’s luster.

Prince Albert and Sophie cuddle on the blanket talking about who to vote out next.  Either that Rick dude or Brandow and Albert call’s it the biggest blind side of the game.  Blind side?  There are only four people you can possibly vote for.  At this point nothing is a blind side.

Prince Albert is questioning his final three alliance with Coach Ben and Sophie, so he decides to talk to this random cameraman about changing his final three deal.Albert thinks his best chance in the finals is against Coach and that Rick character.  Which I don’t agree with at all.  Why would anyone want to compete against Coach?

At the Redemption Beach Island challenge, Oz will take on Edna in a duel that involves absolutely zero strength.  It’s two puzzles that anyone can do.  Edna’s smart right?  She’s got this one.  Ozzy, you are going down this time my friend…

Wrong.  Ozzy wins.  Edna burns her buff, tears up but doesn’t cry?  Cry Counter = Stuck at zero.  Ozzy is sent back to fisherman’s land to catch fish and eat fish.

Alvin and the Chipmunks – Chipwrecked commercial break.  Boom!

Rob Schneider is getting a sitcom starring him and Cheech MarinWho’s running CBS these days?  This is a joke right.  It looks worse than the new Three Stooges Movie.

Albert actually talks some sense and says he could care less about “honor.”  Finally someone playing the game with their brain and not following this ridiculous code.  He discusses the vote with Brandow who points out it is in God’s hands.  Again taking away from God’s every day duties of world peace and focusing God’s valuable time on a reality show.  Got it.  I have a feeling God is going to forsake you soon Brandow.  It’s time to play the game on your own.

Albert and Coach are talking strategy when Brandow butts in.  Coach tells him to relax and that he is acting like Russell.  Which, if he actually was would be the best thing to happen to this kid and this season since Russell.  Brandow couldn’t be playing less like Russell.  After Coach tells him to relax, Brandow says he is offended and asks for an awkward hug.  Coach seems upset he has to get up from chillin’ in his hammock and Brandow nearly cries.  So close but no cigar. Cry Counter = Still stuck at zero.

During a close up interview, Coach says that Brandow acts like his father and uncle and insinuates that Brandow has to go next, only to have Brandow standing inches behind him.  Whoops!  Brandow doesn’t hear him but of course makes a God statement, saying that “The game is in God’s hands now.”  Unless Coach is actually God, then I think Brandow may be mistaken.  Because the game is in Coach’s hands.  Is Coach God?  Wait….???

In the “what’s the point of this challenge?” Immunity Challenge, immunity is back up for grabs.  The challenge is to climb a wall gathering tiles and then put together a puzzle.  Winner gets immunity and… pizza?  Albert looks more excited for pizza than immunity.  Boooo to the CBS sponsorship team for not getting this pizza challenge sponsored.  It’s just “pizza.”  A sponsorship travesty I tell you.

Probst goes this week with an interesting green shirt and blue hat combination.

Yes, I was totally wearing a green shirt already.  And yes, I always wear my Survivor hat while I am Surviving.

At one point in the challenge Probst points out that Coach, Brandow and that Rick guy have a big lead.  I don’t know if Probst knows what a lead is, because if they are all equal, then no one has the lead.  Semantics maybe… Anyways, Brandow wins immunity and God is thanked.  He get’s to pick one person to join him for his pizza party and chooses that cameraman guy Rick.

The pizza shows up, sponsored by “pizza.”

At this point with Brandow safe at the vote and Coach sitting in the Captain’s chair, Sophie, Brandow, Prince Albert and some guy named Rick start to go ballistic.  I’m not all sure on what was being said but all four were pointing fingers at one another.  Prince Albert yelled the loudest, so he must have been right.

Out of the blue, Brandow and Albert are talking and Brandow drops “I’m not voting for you and I would consider giving you the Immunity Idol to save you.”  I’m sorry?  Did I hear that right?  I seriously had to rewind twice to figure out what was going on.  For no reason, that I can tell, he is going to give Albert the idol?  Got it.  Clear.

After telling Albert he would give him the idol, Brandow goes to Coach with this cockamamie plan.  (Is that how you spell cockamamie?)  Brandow then quotes some scripture and Coach says he has to pray on it.  Coach heads to the beach to do some prayer posing and in the most dramatic moment of the season Coach says “My soul has never grieved like it does in this moment.”  I have to one day hear Coach yell “This! Is! Sparta!”

Tribal Council begins with, I shit you not, this conversation….

Probst: “There are only five people left, Brandon, you have immunity, a very powerful spot.”
Brandow: “I want to give my Immunity Necklace up.”

I spit half a can of High Life across the room and fell off the couch when I heard this.  I’m pretty sure Probst shot out a small turd when he heard this too.

This has to be in the top five most insane moments in this show’s history right?

Brandow then explains how when he was a younger kid (he’s nineteen now) and in a gang that his friends were never loyal.  That he has always been loyal and he is sticking to his word with Prince Albert.  For about ten seconds I felt bad for him.  Then I realized, this isn’t a gang.  This is a pony tailed soccer coach, a dating coach, a medical student and some cameraman guy named Rick, so the gang thing makes no sense here. Brandow shed a tear or two so I’m gonna put a point on the board.  Cry Counter = 1

There’s a TON more God talk which is just becoming monotonous and by a vote of 3-2, Brandow is sent to Redemption Beach to join Ozzy.  The winner rejoins the game.  Either way, it’s gonna get interesting.

Season finale this Sunday!  Go ahead and put Coach’s name on the trophy.