The Super Bowl of reality television…  the Survivor finale.

The first ten minutes are recapping the season and I shit you not, they dedicate 30 seconds to remind us that Ozzy can fish.   I am also reminded that there will be all the usual season ending crap this episode.  I actually started off this episode trying to count every time there was a religion or God reference and I swear, as a Christian man, that my calculator could not compute that high, so I nixed that idea.

Anyways, the actual show starts in night vision and Brandow shows up to Redemption Beach Island and hops in the shack with The Great and Powerful Ozzy.  Did anyone else notice that it was a staged entrance?  Brandow is just standing there and then all the sudden walks into the camp.

Like that was weird right?

Brandow tells Ozzy he was blindsided, then admits he gave up the Immunity Necklace?  Oz says exactly what I was thinking.  No he wasn’t, what did he think was gonna happen?  “He think’s he’s playing with God.  He’s playing with human beings who are greedy and want that money.”

When the four get back to camp, they start calling Prince Albert out for not giving back the necklace.  Giving the necklace BACK to Brandow would have been as stupid as Brandow giving it to him in the first place so I’ve got to side with Albie on this one.

Coach Benjamin throws a small fit about how he has been made a fool of because of this show.  Deep down I giggle and picture him posing on the beach and talking about indigenous Peruvian’s eating his ass and wonder why anyone would make fun of the Dragon Slayer?  I love that dude.  He should be on every season.

Oz and Brandow get a clue to the next Redemption Beach Island Duel and Oz reminds us he has been fishing a lot.

The duel is simple.  Hang onto a pole as long as you can.  (Insert Papa Bear pole joke here)  This is exactly the type of challenge that Ozzy can and should win.  The only rule is you can’t touch the top of the pole, yet they both decide to hang right at the top.  All I can think is this challenge is going to end on a technicality.  It doesn’t. 

Brandow made a great effort but CBS designed this challenge specifically to keep Ozzy on the show.  After about an hour Brandow falls and Ozzy is sent back to join the game.  Brandow actually leaves gracefully, thanking God of course.  I genuinely feel bad for Brandow, kid’s got some serious inner turmoil going on.  I expect to see him back on the next All-Star season.

When the final five get back to camp, Ozzy and Coach discuss their final three deal.  Ozzy is a little suspect of Coach and points out “Why would anyone want to go against me in the final?”  I have no idea and if Coach is smart he won’t either.  Coach did however not say as a Christian man this time, so we know he’s lying.  That’s his tell if you remember.

Probst goes reverse colors from last episode and rolls with a green hat and blue shirt… slick look Probst.

I can’t really explain the Immunity Challenge but the gist is to hold a weight with one hand and build a house of cards with the other.    If you don’t hold the weight evenly the board will fall over, knocking over the house of cards.  It’s a pretty cool, new, difficult challenge.  I kept waiting for one of them to pull that cord and a box of confetti to fall on their heads.  Ozzy wins, this run he is on is remarkable.

The comedy of the challenge though, comes half way through when Sophie starts yelling at Albert to come pick up her pieces and Albert just isn’t having it.  I would straight up be afraid of that chick.  She is fierce.  I’m fairly certain she would bite the head off a bat, Ozzy Osbourne style.

Another preview for Rob Schneider’s new show.  Rob!  Yeah Rob!  Who is gonna watch that unfunny prick?  I am baffled this was approved.  Didn’t they see the acting or box office for Deuce Bigalow, The Animal and Hot Chick?

After the challenge the Coach, Sophie, Prince Albert and some guy in a cowboy hat are at each others throats.  They’ve been in an alliance since day one and now have to start offing one another.  Ozzy tells Albert about Coach’s claim to take him to the final as a Christian man. 

Tribal Council is a lot of talking in circles.  Albert says he can beat Ozzy in the next challenge so they have to keep him.  Sophie says she won more challenges than everyone else.  Some cameraman says that he isn’t good at challenges so they should keep him.  Ozzy calls out Coach for the Christian man comment and then calls Sophie out for being a brat.  Sophie cries, which is I believe her first official cry of the season.  You go girl!  Cry Counter = 1 (Dawn, I saw you with those tears too girl)

I am genuinely confused what everyone’s point is and I have no real inkling how the vote will go.  The votes are in and that one dude with the cowboy hat is voted out.  Coach gets up to hug him and a bitter ass Rick tells them all to sit down.  Besides drying his socks, it was the most excitement we had out of Rick all season.

Side note, why can’t they have a list of the names posted somewhere with the proper spelling of everyone’s name?  It’s embarrassing.  Sophie, Sofia, Sofie.  Get that shit straight CBS.

Final four = Coach, Prince Albert, Sophie and Ozzy.

Coach and Ozzy clear the air.  Coach is rightfully upset that Oz spilled the beans on his Christian man nonsense and again they make a pact to go to the final three.  Ozzy is interviewed before the final immunity challenge and says that he is going to give everything he has, as if he wasn’t before?  If this thing is a fishing challenge, Ozzy could do real well.  He loves to fish.

The final Immunity Challenge is a mish-mash of five obstacles, at the end of each obstacle are puzzle pieces.  Once they have collected all the pieces, they bring them back and do the puzzle.  Another challenge tailor-made to Ozzy.  As expected, Ozzy jumps out to a huge lead on the obstacle part.  On the puzzle, Sophie gets her shit together real quick and beats Ozzy to the finish, guaranteeing herself a spot in the final three.  Coach and Albert raise her up like she just hit a last second shot to win the game.  Maybe Coach forgot about his Christian man shit already?

At camp, Coach gives the title of Dragon Slayer to Sophie for beating Ozzy and has Sophie put her hands on his head.  Isn’t that backwards?  Shouldn’t he put his hands on her head?

In an interview, Ozzy cries because he lost. Cry Counter = 2

Ozzy goes to Coach about the Christian man bullshit and asks him to level the vote so that it’s 2-2 and Albert and Ozzy can compete in the “build a fire” tiebreaker.  Why is no one considering voting out Coach?  Why doesn’t Ozzy go to Sophie and Albert to get Coach out?  For being the final four, these seem like horrible game decisions.

At Tribal Council, Coach and Ozzy have a TON of flowing hair.  Tying the vote is discussed but in the end Coach’s Christian man tell is just words and King Ozzy is sent to the jury.  Impressive run to say the least.  Albert thanks God for getting him through to the final three and for a few minutes, since Brandow left, I had actually forgotten God was on this show.

Final Three = Coach, Sophie and Albert.

Back at camp the usual “who gives a shit” stuff.  A big breakfast, mimosas, burning down the camp and lots of epic music in the background.  Coach does some beach posing and quotes people that he doesn’t know who he is quoting.  But in the biggest excitement of the season…  there is no torch trail!  (Although a recap of Miki would have been nice.)

At the final Tribal Council, their respective opening arguments are basically Coach played with honor, Sophie played the best and Albert played a great social game.

The jury gets a chance to take their traditional shots at the remaining three.  I never understand why if you’re in the final three you can’t just respond to the pot shots with “I did what I had to do to get to the end.”

Ozzy looks like Pippi Longstocking and thinks Sophie is a brat.  Albert didn’t do anything to get here (except make it further than you Ozzy) and Ozzy is bitter that Coach went back on his word.

Jim asks Albert why Coach and Sophie shouldn’t win and to not compliment anyone.  First thing he does is compliment Jim and there’s a nice cowbell sound effect.  Jim was my early favorite to win and I think he got shafted onto a bad tribe.  I have a feeling he’s one hell of a game player.  Fingers crossed for an All-Star appearance.

Dawn asks Sophie about her strategy and Sophie calls Coach a young girl.

That dude with the hat calls out Coach for not having honor and then calls out Albert for using the God card and calls Sophie a liar.  Who is this guy again?

Brandow does the traditional Jesus Christ thing and I can hardly watch it.  He asks Albert how he felt using God to get this far in the game, which is the most insane irrational thing I have ever heard, since that was ALL Brandow did for 37 days.

Whitney calls Albert sleazy.  Wait?  Didn’t she cheat on her husband on this island?  She thinks Coach used religion to win and Sophie is condescending.

Edna Ma says that the easiest way to manipulate is through religion and they managed to manipulate the best.  She has no question, just congratulations.

Keith asks Coach if he was going to use the hidden Immunity Idol for the team or for himself and Sophie busts out that Coach made up the prayer lie to reveal to Brandow he had the idol.  Brandow looks like he is gonna fall off his chair.

Cochran asks Coach what his strategy was, without talking about honor and integrity.  Coach admits that he tried to do all the right things.  That he just wanted to get to the end and he’s not a good game player.  Great answer Coach.  Cite my earlier question of why people can’t just say “I did what I had to do.”  I think Coach played a hell of a game and deserves to be there.  I just have a funny feeling that Sophie calling him out about the idol could turn Brandow against him.

The jury votes and we morph to Los Angeles.  Probst calls the paper parchment which always drives me insane.  The votes are read and Sophie takes it home.  Six votes for Sophie, three votes for Coach.  Not who I thought would win but she deserved it for a game well-played.

Next season starts in February and I cannot imagine there will be nearly as much religion as we have had shoved down our throats this year.   The twist for next year is two tribes on the same island, living together, men versus women.  No returning Survivors and no more Redemption Island.

At the after show:
-Sophie has a tough exterior and lives in a small town where they are all her Facebook friends. Probst gives her a check for $1 million dollars. So they can all suck it.
-In what is now a Survivor tradition of second guessing, Coach would have won had he taken Rick and Albert to the finals.
-Brandow’s inner turmoil almost boils over and I actually felt horrible for him. No one from his family came to be with him. Then they interview his uncle Russell who must not be related to him then right? Russell goes off on some rant about how great he was and must have forgotten he didn’t win either.
-Ozzy talks on and on about picking yourself up. I couldn’t believe Probst just let him ramble and some girl in the audience asked Ozzy how he was so good at fishing. Ozzy would have won had he made it to the finals. Oh, that’s right he DIDN’T make it to the finals. It’s as stupid an argument as Russell always had of “I should have won.” You didn’t win.
-Some guy in a hat snuck onto the stage.
-Cochran wrote a paper about Survivor and should have received an F on that assignment because his game blew ass.
-Jim thinks Cochrans game blew ass.
-Albert came in third and no one talked to him.
-Whitney and Keith are dating.
-Edna is prego because her husband thought she was sexy on the show. Wait… what?
Chucky The Cheese and Dirty Neck are best friends and would have met if it wasn’t for Survivor. Stacey still makes me literally laugh out loud every time she talks.
-Dawn is just cool as hell and had to “greatly transform her body” to get on the show. I am officially intrigued.
-And in the biggest shocker of the season Miki is not interviewed. Not even one single close up. Bullshit!

As always, thank you all for reading and commenting.  See you all in February, unless I am cast on the show…