Survivor season 24, it’s been a few months but Survivor is back… Finally.  I could only handle so much more of The Bachelor and Glee before I lost my shit.  (Although Courtney from The Bachelor is easily one of my top five all-time television characters.  Just straight up comedy.)

Thanks to all the returning readers and welcome to the new ones.  This is just one mans slant on the phenomenon that is Survivor.  I encourage you to post any comments at the bottom if you love me or hate me… and then, please come back each week.  The rest of my site has NOTHING to do with Survivor, so if you’re easily offended, don’t go there.  But if you like to laugh then you came to the right place.

I did my early impressions of the cast a few weeks ago.  You can find it here.  Without further adieu, hide yo kids, cause it’s Survivor One Word!

Probst comes out swinging for the fences, hanging onto the side of a chopper with no hands.  They had to be holding onto his ass here right?  Well, either way, pretty ballsy move.  The blue shirt this year is an out of control blue.  Guy likes his blue shirts.

Oh and before we all start blowing Probst, here is me rappelling out of a helicopter when I was in the Army.  I’m the one withe perfect form, not the idiot who is upside down.

The gang of eighteen survivors is dropped off.  The nine men and nine women are split into two equal tribes of men vs women.  Probst tells them to strip the truck of supplies and they can keep anything they can get in sixty seconds.  The women are wildly throwing crap off the truck and Mike, the banker, steals all their stuff for the mens tribe.  I have to say, to start off, it’s a stellar move by Mike.

The women are irate over the loss of one particular item, an axe.  It’s not an axe, it’s a pick axe that you would use to mine for gold, so unless there is a gold mining challenge, screw the axe.  Get over it and move along.

After the strip search, Probst gives them each a map to their respective beaches.  Spoiler alert:  The maps lead to the same beach and the tribes are going to be living on the same beach.  One World.  The tribes set off in different directions to get to their new camp.

On the walk to the camp, Alicia, from Chicago, starts forming alliances already.  This may be the fastest alliance formed in show history.  What ever happened to sitting back and observing?  Alicia is moving too quick and our Chicago rep could be in early trouble.  Which is sad because she has that booty jammed into a tiny bikini.  Pow!  Screen shot next week.

There’s crying about men vs women but going into the first commercial my future girlfriend, Chelsea, calls the women “One huge ball of bad-assness.”   Jury is still out on that but I think I am officially in reality tv love.

When they get to camp together, there is conveniently two chickens running wild.  How are there always wild chickens at these camps?  After chasing them for a few minutes the ball of bad-assness, Chelsea, manages to catch them both.  That’s some Rocky Balboa shit there.  And my crush only grows fonder.  I demand chicken catching from my potential girlfriends.  Demand!

The women now have both the chickens and decide not to give the men either of them.  So…  were already sharing and caring.  This can’t be a good move for the girls.  I have a feeling they will need the men more than the other way around, so hoarding the chickens is pretty pointless but hey, let the games begin.

Colton is in a sea-foam shirt with his sweater wrapped around his neck like a Ken doll and I suspect he may be gay but my gaydar is still out.  Actually…  never mind he is the gayest gay man ever to gay Survivor.  So much so, that he is upset that he is on the mens tribe and wants to spend 100% of his time with the women.  Probably not the best game move to isolate yourself  twelve hours into a 39 day game.  We’ll see how that goes for him but my early guess is not great.  We get it, you’re one of the girls.

The four “hunks,” Matt (my preseason prediction), Mike, Bill and Jay, align early and could crush some challenges.  I doubt that since it is men vs women that many of the challenges will be strength however.  If one of the challenges is best abs, these guys would win.  My gaydar is now pointing directly at me.  These guys shirts were off before they boarded the plane to Samoa.

One of my favorite moments that probably went unnoticed by most was Christina Cha rubbing two sticks together.  Beyond hilarity.  Just sorta “Ho hum, I’m rubbing these sticks together to make fire.”  No care in the world.  She looked more like she was knitting than trying to make fire.  If you saw it, hilarious, if not, I’m sorry.

Meanwhile, Jay starts a fire from sticks in about twenty seconds.  Props for figuring out how to do that before heading to the island.  Bad…. Ass….

The chicks then offer the men a chicken for some fire.  Groveling is not an attractive trait ladies.  This is not a good start for you.  Troy, the new Coach, sums it up “What do we need a chicken for?”  Touche’ sir.  This guy’s gonna be great.

In the middle of the night the women make huge chopsticks (insert Christina Cha is Asian joke here) and steal an ember from the men’s fire.  Then they allow the fire to burn out, proving that not only can they not start a fire, they also can’t light something on fire with FIRE.  I have a feeling if they had a lighter they couldn’t get a fire going.  I hope when they finally get flint we can watch that attempt.  That could be comedy for days.

Sabrina heads into the woods and in the second place she looks finds the “hidden immunity idol.”  Is this thing even “hidden” any more and who is “hiding” these freakin things?  When I was a kid my mom would hide the Easter baskets, if I found them right away I’d go back and say “Hide this shit better.  Too easy lady.”  Then she’d hide them and we’d lose baskets, finding them two months later with rotten eggs in them.  That’s hiding shit.  Can someone at CBS actually hide this idol?  You’ve got an entire island, let’s not put it in a tree stump right next to the shitter next time.

Anyways, she has the idol and in a twist, she has to give it to someone on the men’s tribe.  My question is, could she have just put it back like she didn’t find it?  She gives it to Colton, who is pretty much an honorary girls tribe member anyways.  Sabrina calls it a big move and I wonder what her reality is.  There are no “big moves” this early in the game.  Colton calls it a “game changer.”  Really?  How is that?  They haven’t even had a challenge yet and you aren’t going to tribal council, so that thing ain’t changing the game yet if you can’t play it.

The first immunity challenge is stupid.  Jump onto a rope platform, race across a rope bridge, blah.  I hope this isn’t a sign of things to come trying to keep the challenges fair for men vs women.  Probst gives instructions on jumping onto the ropes, leading me to believe there will be a problem.  Colton does the most awesome gay sailor dive I have ever seen.

Kourtney doesn’t listen to Probsty and goes hands first.  From a mile away her wrist is obviously broken.  They stop the challenge and bring in a doctor who says “We can’t be certain if it’s a sprain or a break.”  What kind of doctor are you?  Her bone is literally poking her skin out.  Shit’s broke doc!  What a bummer.  Kourtney looked like she would have been a fan favorite.  Sucks to come so far and break your arm 24 hours in.

Since Kourtney is out of the challenge, the men are given the option of either taking the victory or continuing the challenge.  Probst urges the men to continue by saying that the “biggest mistake in this game is making decisions that won’t be forgiven later in the game.”  No Probst, the single biggest mistake is not winning challenges.  The men choose option A and smartly take the victory.  PS Shut up Probst!  Just stand there in your blue shirt and be hilarious.  And stop looking like the dude from the P90x videos.

The women throw out some “Be a mans” and Troy hits the nail on the head with “I’m sorry but you wouldn’t have continued either.”  The object of Survivor is to not get voted out.  The best way to do that is to not be at Tribal Council.  Sorry she broke her wrist but thems the breaks, literally.

It’s a little early to start offending the women readers on here but holy crap the cackling on the women’s tribe has already become like a hen-house.

At Tribal Council, Alicia starts putting her finger in Christina’s face about her trade for fire with the men.  People love to have fingers in their face.  Alicia and Christina argue and I think to myself.  “Good God… shut up!”  As if she was in my head Christina screams “Shut up!” You go girl.  Someone agrees with me!  Meanwhile, Chelsea sits quietly in the corner and looks hot.

Probst points out they are in turmoil, they have no leader, they are fighting, they have no structure and are just sorta winging it.  Already, the men have them right where they want them.  It’s amazing how one broken wrist and one loss can change things so quickly.

There’s no Redemption Island this season, so there would have been the first actual vote sending someone home in a few seasons.  Ummmm not so much, Kourtney ruins it with her glass wrist.  There’s no vote and Kourtney Moon, the mechanic from Austin, is goneski.

This season could be great.  So far it’s the men going with the flow and getting along and the women gossiping and acting bat shit crazy.   I have a feeling that will change when the men lose but for now we are stuck with anarchy.  The social experiment this season could be as entertaining as the actual show.  I just hope CBS doesn’t merge them too soon.  The smart girl who stays low and makes guy friends could be dangerous in this game. (I’m looking at you Kim.  No really… look at her.)

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Again, I’d love to hear your thoughts below… I’ll see you next week.