I completely blew it leading up to last week with my pre-season prediction of Matt to win.  However; thank’s to a quick Chelsea Meissner Google search, I believe I have totally redeemed myself with this picture of Chelsea and her…. ummm…. hat.

Before I even get to this weeks recap, I have to say that tonight’s episode was just about the biggest crock of shit I have ever watched.  Colton is a monster of a “person” and the men’s tribe (excluding Jay the male model) is an embarrassment to not only men but to humankind.  The way this episode unfolded was so egregious that I was almost convinced that the producers were messing with the outcome of the show.  It was beyond the realm of possibility that this could actually go down.

Start off in the dark and banker dude Mike points out that the Fab Abs are outnumbered by the Average Joes.  That is very astute of you Mike…  Five is more than three.  The Average Joes think that dumping Matt last week was smart.  I stand firm that it was not.  They are now weaker and still dragging along the stragglers of their tribe.  Troyzan is in a good spot as the brains and Ryan Braun of a weak men’s alliance.  Alas… it’s going to be hard for me to not jump ahead on this recap because NONE of this matters as these guys are complete idiots with zero common sense, integrity or brains in their skulls.

At the women’s beach, the ladies are eating coconuts, snails and rice and Mrs. Culpepper thinks that’s enough food.  That’s probably because she had to starve herself for four months before she came on the show to get so damn ripped.

The fishing gear the women have isn’t getting used at all and Sushi  offers to catch fish and split what he catches with them 50/50 (As I said they should do last week).  For some reason, the girls don’t think it is a fair offer.  Not sure how it isn’t fair?  Isn’t half of something at least something.  100% of the nothing you are currently catching is nothing.  Not sure what the thought process is on this.  To my knowledge the guys have done nothing but give the ladies fire, shelter, etc. and the girls choose to be stubborn.  The women win one immunity challenge and suddenly they’re running the show.

Also apparently Sushi is some kind of a net laying expert because he lives in Hawaii.  I lived in Hawaii for three years and I never laid one net nor saw a net laid.

At the reward challenge, Probst goes with a spectacular orange hat, which would be a great gift idea for someone whose birthday happened to be this Friday, March 9th.

The challenge is a sling shot Connect Four (five) game.   The winning team can choose from one of three rewards, pillows, a tarp or doughnuts.  You’d think the men would win this challenge based on all the catapult training men were given in the Middle Ages.  Men are just natural catapult shooters but the women win and wisely take the tarp.  Now maybe the girls can stop chilling out in the mens shelter.  I was waiting for the ladies to go for the doughnuts but for once they actually chose wisely.  Although, again, they are nowhere near as stupid as the men will prove to be.

On the beach, Leif (who for some reason is wearing eye black?) spills the beans to Bill Marley that Sea Foam plans to vote him out next.  Bill seriously quaked he looked so shocked.  Wha… wha… WHAT!?  I’m not sure Leif meant to say that strategically or if he just screwed up.  It comes to Sea Foam’s attention and being a real tough cat, Sea Foam calls Leif a Munchkin.  Dude just isn’t funny.  No one calls the midget’s Munchkins any more?  That’s so 1939.  Everyone knows that in 2012 we call them jockeys.

(Sidetrack: I’m friends with a girl who is 6’1″ and whenever guys ask her if she plays basketball, she always responds with, “No, are you a jockey?”)

Sea Foam approaches the jockey and asks if he told him and then says to the jockeys face that he has sealed his own fate.  Since when is Sea Foam running this game?  Who allowed this?  Blind side this idiot ASAP.  How does the jockey not corral everyone together and start a crusade?

At the girls camp, Kat said she isn’t good at puzzles and would like to be paired with someone who is good at puzzles.  Chialicia doesn’t like that she is not at the top of the puzzle food-chain and thinks that Kat doesn’t think that she is good at puzzles either.  I have to agree with Chialicia, what is worse in the world than someone thinking you are not good at puzzles.  No one and I mean NO ONE better ever question my puzzle making abilities!

For the immunity challenge (that is essentially just an air time filler because the men are idiots) duos are handcuffed together.  Serious talk now, how do I get handcuffed to Chelsea?  The pairs then go into an obstacle course to do puzzles and retrieve keys.  This challenge was such a waste of time.  The men absolutely obliterate them and Probst says something along the lines of, “This was such a blowout it can’t even be called a challenge.”

The only “excitement” in the challenge was  that the ladies blatantly cheated off of the men by looking at their completed puzzles, which still didn’t help them.  Not sure why when you finish a puzzle you don’t take two seconds to tear it apart when you’re done.

Chialicia giggles and acts like she doesn’t care after her piss-poor performance in the challenge.  Sabs is pissed at Chialicia and talks says to Kim and her rock hard abs about getting rid of Chialicia instead of Christina Cha Cha Cha.  Kim however is nervous to break up their alliance.  Anyways, none of this matters AT ALL because the men are about to take a steaming shit on top of the show.

Bill Marley and the jockey come to Sea Foam like he is Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now to clear the air.  Sea Foam wont even talk to Bill.  When did it happen that he became so powerful and who exactly does he think he is?

Then…..  then…. Sea Foam proposes forgoing their immunity and going to Tribal Council simply to get rid of Bill.  This isn’t a strategic decision, this is Sea Foam wanting to get rid of Bill.  This idea is so cockamamie that it can’t even make sense.  Tarzan pulls everyone together to say they need to vote out the jockey because he betrayed them but it is apparent they are bullshitting to get rid of Bill.

We go to break not knowing who is going to Tribal Council but when we come back the suspense is over and the Fonz has officially Jumped the Shark.  The men have thrown themselves into Tribal Council because Sea Foam doesn’t like someone.  Flabbergasted.

I’m seriously just too disgusted as a legit fan of Survivor to give this Tribal Council any acknowledgement.  To sum up, Sea Foam acts like a complete racist asshole and in the end the mentally challenged tribe votes out Bill because he is an unemployed comedian.

Afterwards, Probst says, “Voluntarily giving up immunity will go down as one of the biggest and riskiest moves ever seen in this game.”  Read: dumbest most retarded things ever. (I don’t throw the tard out there much but this was so ridiculous it deserves a tard status.)

There’s just no way any of these guys win.  I think we were bamboozled by CBS at the beginning of the season and I appreciate them taking a risk.  This season is women versus mentally challenged men.  I’m fully backing the women (and Jay) at this point.

Next week, the men eat their own boogers.

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