Real talk.  Chelsea definitely knows what she is doing right now.  Handcuffs?  Happy birthday?  I think we are legitimately having an online relationship.

This week we skip the Navy Seals night vision crap and go straight to the morning, so… something is obviously amiss.  The chicks pretty much tell the guys to their face how stupid they are for their Jump the Shark moment last week and then everyone is sent directly to the reward challenge.

When everyone gets to the challenge, Probst tells them to toss in their buffs.  It’s time for conference realignment.  I’ve said this before, I don’t like when the realignment comes with an odd number of members.  It hoses the people who get stuck in a minority in their new tribe.  A switch only makes sense when it is 6 vs 6 and the tribes are then evened up at three men and three women.  That’s fair.  Anyways, that’s not the case.  Everyone draws a colored egg to determine their new tribe.  There are a bunch of awkward chest shots and the new tribes are both split four and three.

The reward challenge is to carry a bucket filled with water with holes in the bottom.   Then fill another bigger bucket and raise a flag.  Ms. Culpepper should be great at this, as only a few weeks earlier she laid claim to being awesome at filling jugs all the way to the top.  Monica’s jugs….

The winning tribe gets peanut butter and is allowed to return to the old camp.  The losing tribe gets no peanut butter and has to start a new camp.  Ok, why have this “One World” concept, where everyone is at the same camp and it is men vs women, only to merge the tribes and send them to different camps at just episode five?  This plan had to be concocted by one of the mentally disabled men from last weeks tribal council debacle, which leads me to believe that the title of this weeks episode has to do with the producers and not the cast.

The new blue tribe is loaded with what remains of the Fab Abs (Mike and Jay), Troyzan, plus four of the five girls in the ladies alliance (Chels, Sabs, Kim and Kat).  The new orange tribe is the Average Joes (the jockey, Sushi and Tarzan) plus Cha Cha Cha, Chialicia, Ms. Culpepper and her rack and that asshole Sea Foam.  So… also four girls.

Sea Foam and Chialicia discuss how they are going to vote out Cha Cha Cha right away.  Hopefully Cha Cha Cha is smart enough to form an alliance with the Average Joes and Monica and get those two terrors out.  Sea Foam and Chialicia were nothing but a pain in the ass to both their old tribes, so strike while you can and get rid of them.

Kim goes looking for the “hidden” immunity idol.  She does her first mini Tebow and asks Jesus for some help.  PLEASE do not allow this season tom turn into the Godfest that last season was.  With a little help from Tebow and baby Jesus, she of course finds the idol.  (Why else would the producers have shown her looking?)  She runs straight to tell Chels to discuss her HIDDEN (ahhhh!)  idol and tells her, “I stuck my hand in and felt it.  It was one of the best feelings I’ve had since I got here.” and “I found the idol, it’s in my crotch.”  Hands in holes and putting things in your crotch are very un-Tebowlike.  Just saying.

Tarzan is chilling on the beach.  Which led my special viewing guest, Charlie Hustle and I to discuss how before we went to the island, that we would shave down so this didn’t happen.  Seriously, is this the guy you want doing your plastic surgery?  This is the guy that is up to date on what is attractive in today’s society?

In typical girls fashion this season, the ladies catch a chicken in a trap that only has three sides, so the chicken escapes.  Kinda like lighting a fire.  Catching the chicken, while important, is not quite as important as actually detaining the chicken.  Reminds me of Seinfeld, “See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to *hold* the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding.  Anybody can just take them. “

The immunity challenge is a mix of hoops (probably in honor of the NCAA tourney) and American Gladiator powerball, played in two feet of water.  This may not be the strongest game for a guy who is three feet tall.  Right out of the gate Jay tosses Sea Foam’s ass half way across the ocean, like he’d been waiting weeks to do it.  Mike the gangly banker is 8’10” and can’t make a two foot lay up.  I felt like I was watching a Dayton Flyers game.

This challenge had some major action.  There was some dwarf tossing.  There was Asians trying to play basketball, which we know they’re not good at any sports but Ping Pong.  Maybe Jeremy Lin has something to say about that?  Sabs, only got one shot off and I was half expecting her to dunk from the free throw line.  The line of the night though was when Sea Foam was tackled.  Probst proclaims, “Mike and Jay double teaming Colton.”  Me thinks that has to be Sea Foam’s wet dream.

The blue tribe ends up being infinitely more athletic (and not Asian jockeys) and wins three to one.

Afterwards, Chialicia is insisting that Monica is gone which hopefully means she isn’t.  Although that idiot Sea Foam is somehow actually running things.  I’m hoping that my girl Cha Cha Cha will align with the jockey, Sushi, Tarzan and Monica and oust Sea Foam or Chialicia.  Besides Monica, Cha Cha Cha is the only person with a brain in that tribe.

The guys talk to Tarzan about the vote, telling him to vote for  Monica and he says “Who is that again?”  What planet is this guy residing on?  There are only 14 people in this game and just seven in your tribe.  What else does he have to do but remember people’s names?  How bizarre.

At Tribal Council, Chialicia says Monica is a good mom and a strong competitor so she’s a threat.  Then Probst says “I see a but coming.”  See what he did there?  Chialicia has a big butt.  I see a but coming….  Get it?

Probst asks Tarzan what’s up and Tarzan responds with some serious Deadwood Shakespearelike talk that I can’t even begin to decipher.  The jockey says he can’t “explainiate.”  Tarzan tells us that’s not a word, that it should be “nihiliotism,” which I then looked up and don’t think is a word either.  Anyways, Tarzan has this insane vocabulary and can’t remember the names of the seven people in his tribe.

The vote is going to boil down to Tarzan versus Monica.  Since the men are mentally disabled, I was expecting them to vote out Tarzan but they don’t and wisely send Monica home.

Again, I hate the realignment as it gives the team that gets flopped with lesser members no chance.  Monica was just the first unfortunate victim of this shoddy rule.

Next week someone from the orange tribe gets seriously hurt and leaves the game.  It is thankfully not my new orange tribe obsession Cha Cha Cha.  I feel horrible for her being stuck with all those idiot sheep that are being led around by that doucher Sea Foam.

Be sure to check out how hot Cha Cha Cha is in her Twitter picture.  Yes please.

This weekend Chels and I will be celebrating St. Patty’s and watching hoops together.  See you all next week.


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