Chelsea and I had a really nice week in Chicago before she had to head to New York City for the finale.  Good luck babe!  Tonight our weekly love affair comes to an end.

Last week Tarzan’s goofy ass was voted out bringing us to five ladies (Kim, Chelsea, Cha Cha Cha, Chialicia and Sabs) and for the first time in show history the final five is all women.  Does anyone know if it has it ever been all men?

Back at camp, the ladies are singing Kumbaya and slapping each other on the asses for their women’s lib victory.  Guess not being able to light a fire, catch a fish, build a shelter, stay out of the rain or do anything remotely Survivorlike is necessary to win this game.  If we didn’t learn it from Ozzy, we sure did now.

Chialicia claims SHE “Got rid of Tarzan.”  Did she really get rid of  him?  Was her one vote more powerful than everyone else’s?  Pretty confident that Kim orchestrated that vote…  Plus why would Chialicia vote out one of her own “alliance”?  She’s pretty confident it’s going to be her with Kim and Cha Cha Cha in the final three.  Sounds like the kiss of death to me.

No screwing around this week, we have two hours and we got’s to play em’ tight, so they head right to the first immunity challenge.  The challenge is a balance beam maze.  When they get to the end of the maze they collect puzzle pieces.  The puzzle gives them a combination to a lock.  Lots of puzzles and combinations this season.  Does CBS think watching people open a lock is exciting?

During the challenge Chialicia keeps blatantly looking at Kim’s puzzle.  Why don’t they put up walls like they are in a voting booth to keep the cheating to a minimum?  This ain’t no Genghis Kahn Republican bullshit!  Just pure laziness.  Cha Cha Cha and Sabs are useless and nowhere close.  It comes down to a combination race between Chialicia, Chels and Kim, with Kim pulling it out.  Yay combo locks!

At camp the vote has come down to what Kim will do.  She has pitted the two “alliances” against one another and is legitimately the swing vote between Sabs and Chelsea versus Cha Cha Cha and Chialica.  (Didn’t Chialica call Cha Cha Cha a retard a few weeks ago?  And now they are aligned?  Explain.)

Now, let’s slow down before we all line up and start kissing Kim’s ass.  Everyone is hyping this girl up like she’s the greatest mastermind since Boston Rob but I’m not hanging up a totem pole for her just yet in the Survivor Hall of Fame.  She’s played a great game but she’s also getting pretty lucky.  A lot of what she has accomplished has more been the stupidity of the ones they call “men” and not how great she has masterminded this season.  Let’s not forget that if these men figures had not thrown themselves into Tribal Council after an immunity victory, then none of this would have gone down.  The dudes this season were full speed ahead booger eaters, wearing panties on their head.

At Tribal Council we have the first vote in a long time where we don’t truly know what is going to happen.  But let’s be real, we know.  The vote is going to be either Chialicia or Chelsea.  Suspense!  How will Kim vote?   Come on…. Probst gives everyone a chance to talk and no one has one word to say?  Chialicia is voted out 3-2 and my precious cargo stays in the game.

After the vote, back at camp, Cha Cha Cha is super chill and doesn’t lose her shit and tells the other girls “I understand, it’s a game.” Which is about as cool as she could get.  She could win this next challenge and automatically be in the final three, otherwise she’s got zero chance. It’s relieving to see someone realize what is happening in the game, that it is a game but I hope she hasn’t already put out her own torch.  Light a fire under your ass girl!

Before they head to the final immunity challenge, they do that stupid friggin’ torch walk where we get to see all the past contestants from this season.  Yippee!  If anything happened I missed it because I Tivo’ed right past that waste of air.  Let me know what I missed.

The final immunity challenge is awesome.  They have to pick up a bowl with a stick and then maneuver the bowl through a Mousetrap type maze, then stack ten bowls on top of the metal cage maze.  It looks to be slow and Kim beats Cha 10-9 winning her fourth immunity challenge.  Cool challenge but part of me wishes and misses the old “Hold on for Dear Life” challenges.  The ones that are a matter of who want’s it the most.  At this stage in the game that is what it should come down to.   Rudy, Kelly and Hatch holding onto that pole for what seemed like days had you on the edge of your seat.  Like a horror flick, you knew someone was gonna fall.  These challenges are more like watching the steeplechase.  It goes on for a while, some people fall down and whoever is the most consistent wins.

After the challenge, Cha Cha Cha says she isn’t going to fight to be in the final three and says she will simply go peacefully.  Alright….  I think Cha Cha Cha got a bum rap this season and I would love to have a beer with her but this downright infuriates me.  Fight for your right to party Cha!  So many people would kill to be on this show and this is the equivalent of throwing in the towel.  Stand up for yourself.  It just makes me sad to see.  Probst even tells her to fight for herself and you can just tell that she’s broken.  As expected, she is voted out.

It’s an interesting move by Kim to take two friends to the finals and not bring along a weak person she can obviously beat.

Time for the Sue Hawk Q&A segment of the season:  Chelsea say’s she was not as close to everyone but was Kim’s sidekick.  Kim knows she was a cold-hearted bitch.  Sabs works in the inner city.
Sushi want’s to be called Master Jonas and seem’s like a cool dude but asks no real questions or information.
-Cha Cha Cha want’s to know who Kim would have taken with her to the finals if she was still in the game and asked Chelsea why she hated people?  Not sure what either question told us..
-Jay calls out Sabs for using being bad at challenges as a strategy in the game.
Mike has on a horrendous shirt and asks Kim to define blind side.  Kim wisely deflects it to Troyzan and Mike points out that Kim took all the blame for all the blindsides which could hurt her in the vote.
-Tarzan thanks God and thanks the ladies.  He says some weird shit on purpose to sound cool but doesn’t ask any questions, then he cries.  Crying and God remind me so much of last season.  Thankfully this was a Godless heathen group.
The jockey is sad about being voted out and actually speaks for the first time this season.
-Chialicia has her hair ironed and doesn’t look like a Chialicia any more.  She says she was a “kingpin”?  What?  How?  She is so un-self-aware and turns her speech somehow into talking about herself.
-Troyzan asks Kim when was the end of his game and that will determine his vote.  Not sure why that matters.  Your game ended when you got voted out dude.
Kitty Kat has on tiny shorts and has to get open heart surgery to have babies.  Then she forgives everyone.  Which is the way to be.  It’s a game.  Fact: I will drink a beer with her one day.

When we go live in NYC Chelsea looks SMOKING hot.  Serious question: Is she the hottest girl in the history of reality television?

Minor disappointment that there is no grand entrance from Probst any more. 

The vote comes down to can they forgive Kim for voting them out even though she orchestrated ousting them all out.  Kim deservedly wins 7-2.  It’s refreshing to see the right person win again.  Kim realized that if you’re going to be slicing everyone’s throat, you have to establish a relationship with them as well, that way they will still vote for you in the end, one thing Mr. Hantz never understood.   (I would also like to point out that I predicted Kim to win in week one.  See the last paragraph of my week one review.)

Next season in the Philippines, three Survivors that left injured will return for a second chance.  My guess is that dude Michael that burned up his arms and Colton could be back.

Thanks for a great season and as always for reading!

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