Clark (New England Confectionery) = 270 calories – Ingredients: I’m not sure of the exact ingredients. All I know is that this bar is a saint with children and a genius with food additives and it was… Clark!

I screwed up and completely forgot the Chunky and went straight for the Clark. It’s not that I don’t know the alphabet, I just took the wrong snack from my Fortress of Solitude.

For this week, I thought, why don’t we just forget the Candy Challenge itinerary, and just play it by ear, like normal people? Then I decided, we’re not normal people. We’re Chipwrecks.

Last week the Charleston Chew was my kryptonite. I just wasn’t sure how things could get any worse? So I took a step back and thought “Take a look around here. We’re at the threshold of hell.” Maybe I just set standards that no family candy bar can live up to.

It was a damp and chilly afternoon so I decided to put on my sweatshirt! I pulled the lever on the machine but the Clark bar didn’t come out!

The presentation of the Clark is mainstream. Not sure why but even though it is made by some nonsensical confectionery company from Smallville, who’s other products include Candy Buttons, Squirrel Nut Zippers, Slap Stix and Mary Jane Bars, the wrapper is easily my favorite thus far. It actually had me excited for the first time in the Candy Challenge. If this turkey tastes half as good as it looks, we’re all in for a real treat. Save the neck for me.

The Clark tasted almost exactly like the Butterfinger, down to the faux chocolate, although the chocolate was a TINY better. The crispy peanut butter was the same and got equally as stuck in my teeth. I was actually surpised how much I liked it. Had I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I was when I ate the Clark.

While I enjoyed the Clark, I still haven’t been swayed to the be a regular candy eater yet, but we’re close. We’re close to a good candy bar and I considered bailing out. Well I’ll tell you something. This is no longer a challenge. It’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. I’m gonna have fun and you’re gonna have fun. We’re all gonna have so much fucking fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our god damn smiles. We’ll be whistling ‘Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah’ out of our assholes! I gotta be crazy! I’m on a pilgrimage to enjoy chocolate. Praise candy! Holy Shit!

Diabetes Ranking (1 to 5) = 3 Shots of Insulin

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Next week, I try the Chunky, that’s the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year