I ran this adventure race called the Wild Scallion where you do all kinds of crazy shit around town with a team of 4 people.  Pretty fun, I signed up to do it with Bobby Ford and a couple other friends.  The gist of  the race is you run about 15 miles, Rollerblade, run some stairs, kayak, swim and bike all over town…  It sounds like a pain in the ass but it was actually pretty awesome, however; it also did become a literal pain in my ass.

I wake up and chug a Dunkin coffee as usual, just to stay regular.  Race starts at 8am so I leave my place around 7am and head to the start line at North Avenue Beach.   I get there and we check out the map for the day, we’re planning our strategy and I’ve basically forgotten about my daily deuce…  Then it hits me.  It’s about 7:45 so I think “Nice, let’s get this over with.  I’ll be back in 10 minutes to start the race.”

I go into the head and the sit-down is empty.  I’m still a little groggy and not paying full attention but drop off a pretty reasonable one and get ready to wipe.  There’s no toilet paper.  I can’t dilly-dally so I decide that unlike most of my actual relationships, it was a pretty clean break and I can get away with not wiping.  Just to be clear not wiping is not anywhere near standard practice for me. I get to the starting line right on time, clean and ready to race.  We are of course team #52.

First thing we do is run about 5 miles from North Avenue Beach to downtown Chicago.  I’m feeling great, a little chaffing but feeling fine.  The next challenge is to run to the top of the Sears Tower.  Let’s roll.  103 flights of stairs… no problem.  About floor 20 I can tell there’s gonna be an issue because my shorts keep rolling up my butt.  Around floor 50 I am starting to get some slight abrasion and I am feeling the doo-doo in my butt cheeks. At floor 70 I feel like I have sandpaper in my ass crack.  At floor 103 I am not sure I can run back down because  I am positive that I have blood dripping from my extremely chaffed bung hole.  But this is a team race and I have no options but to continue.  I’m panicked that there is crap showing through my shorts and I ask Ford if I stink.  “We’re sweating Chip, we all smell.” “Right… but do I smell like a port-a-potty?”

We get to the bottom and I immediately go into the main Sears Tower public restroom.  I take off my shorts and there is not so much simply a cute little baby-poo mark in my shorts, there is a huge adult diarrhea stain.  I have no idea how this clean break turd turned into such a mess.  I take off my shorts and start washing them in the sink in front of about 12-15 tourists who probably think this bathroom is where the hobos do their laundry.  I probably would not have admitted the complete truth, except Ford then walks in.  I’m wearing my shoes and shirt and have my shorts fully submerged in soapy water in the sink.   Next time, I drink coffee earlier or bring toilet paper to the beach.  On second thought, stop waking up so early to do these dumbass races.

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