Like a typical college student, while I was at UD I never had any cash. So what did we do when we did have cash? We rubbed shit all over it.

At basic training, after getting caught napping in the shower, my drill sergeant told me “Hurt, you can’t polish a terd.” Meaning, “Hurt, you are a terd and I will never break through to you.”

I’ve got to be honest, sometimes as I’m writing these things, I think to myself, “How do I tame this down and make it not sound as disgusting as it actually was?” On this story, I have no clue how to clean it up. This story is a terd, it cannot be polished and it’s just downright disgusting. Yet, thankfully…. also hilarious.

The game is called “Poop Dollar”

Ingredients include:
1 Steaming pile of poo (dog waste is easiest)
1 Dollar bill (any value will work but you’re gonna be rubbing crap all over it so I’d shoot low)
1 Heavily trafficked sidewalk
Multiple clueless passers-by

On Sunday afternoons, once we were exhausted from studying, we would sit on the front porch, have a few beers and people watch the sidewalk in front of our house. One day Felix came up with Poop Dollar.

You take your bill and rub some poo on it. Afterwards, put your poop dollar, poo side down on the sidewalk in front of your house. Then wait for some poor schmuck to walk by. One hundred percent of people who see a dollar on the sidewalk are forced to pick it up. Once they pick it up, everyone on the porch chants,
“There’s poop on the dollar! There’s poop on the dollar! There’s poop on the dollar!”

Hundreds of times we played this game. Usually with the desired results. People freaking out, throwing the dollar and flipping us the bird. We also had multiple, close calls and accidental poop dollar grabbers, ie: girlfriends, the dean of students, our fraternity advisor, our own parents and one of the Marianist priests that lived next door.

The game could be played for days on end, with the beauty of it being you only need one dollar. No one will ever take it, except of course O.J. the UD mailman. O.J was the U.S. Postal Service mail carrier who’s route was The Ghetto. (The UD student neighborhood) O.J. was always scavenging for money and was notorious for going into your house and taking the change out from under your couch cushions. (I will cover O.J. more deeply at a later date, as he is a novella of comedy.)

One day O.J. was walking his route and as he approached our house spotted the poop dollar. He reached down, picked it up and we all started chanting, “There’s poop on the dollar!” That son of a bitch didn’t skip a beat, he folded up the dollar, put it in his wallet and told us, “You guys are fuckin idiots. I’ve got 5 kids to feed. A little poop ain’t gonna hurt nothin’.”

The value of a dollar I guess?

(After writing this story I did a Google search and found out other people played poop dollar too. However, when we were in college there was no internet. So I’m giving all creative licensing on this to Felix. He started the craze.)