I played lacrosse all through high school.  It was a relatively new sport in the U.S. back then so it didn’t take much to be pretty decent at it.  My senior year I was co-captain along with my buddy SS.  There was this select camp at Syracuse every year, we went to before our senior year.  It was kind of a big deal to get selected to go, as am I.

SS was this brash, meathead lax bro, everywhere he went he was a bull in a china shop.  He just didn’t give a fuck who was around him.  I knew this dude was fucked in the head one day at practice when we all went to piss in the bushes and he started peeing into the air and into his own mouth.  Fuckin wacko.  A few years later, after his freshman year in college, he really stepped it up and I saw he and his brother pissing into each other mouths.  The things we learn in college…

I digress.  We got to this camp and SS thought it would be funny to hide own poops in random people’s stuff.  He would sneak his poop into someone’s suitcase.  He would leave a dump in someone’s sink.  He would stash a turd in someone’s shoe.

He became so obsessed with hiding these poops that he would hover over a pizza box in the middle of our room and crap into it.  He would close the box and hide it in our ceiling tiles until he was ready to plant it.  He was completely obsessed with keeping all of his dumps.  Him crapping in a box became so normal for me that I stopped even noticing when he would do it.  It was just SS being SS.

Late one night the counselors woke up the whole camp and rushed us into the courtyard.   They had us outside doing push ups in the rain and were screaming mad at us. “Which one of you fuckers put a pile of shit into my pillowcase!?  I was getting into bed and got crap all over my face!”  The smirk on SS’s face was priceless.

While we all sat there doing push ups, I looked over at SS and he’s yelling, “This is Bullshit! Whoever did this admit it now so we can all go to bed!” I knew I was in for a long night.  After a few hours they gave up and sent us to bed, dubbing the mystery man “The Phantom Shitter.”  We got back to our room and lay in bed laughing until the sun came up.

SS ended up being smart as fuck.  He went to Georgetown on a full ride for lacrosse and is a lawyer in D.C.

Those counselors could have solved the Phantom Shitter mystery much easier had they just asked me why I called my friend Michael Callahan; “SS”…  Secret Shit.