Dear Metra Rail,

I am on a strict schedule.  I have a routine.  I wake up, shower and then chug an enormous coffee from Dunkin Donuts.  I then get on your 2107 train to Fox Lake at exactly 7:49 a.m.  For the past 7 years, you arrive at the Western Avenue stop every Monday – Friday at exactly 7:49, exactly.  I like to sit in the same seat every morning and I will read the Tribune and kibbutz with the regular riders.  Once I’m done with the paper I’ll either rest my eyes or do the Sudoku,  I’m cool like that.

Like clockwork you will drop me off at the North Glenview stop promptly at 8:20.  I’ll walk to my office, turn on all the lights and start  my computer.  I’m always the first one to work, always.  Then I’ll grab the crossword puzzle and walk to the crapper.  It’s always nice and quiet because everyone else shows up at 8:30.  I can do my jumble, relax and take a dump.  First stall,  it’s the biggest one and I’ve got a routine.  I can put the paper on the ledge and it doesn’t even have to touch the floor.  I bring in my baby wipes and get a nice clean smooth wipe when I’m done.

I’m writing you this because this morning that was not my schedule.  Until 7:49 everything was going off without a hitch.  My side of the bargain was going as planned.   I got to the Western Avenue stop at 7:47, I was listening to my favorite rock-n-roll songs on my iPod and then I hear an announcement that “the 2107 train, outbound to Grayslake is delayed 15-20 minutes.”  15-20 minutes!?!?  I just chugged an XL coffee from Dunkin bro!?  15-20 minutes may as well have been 4 hours.

I tried to play it cool and said to myself “Everything will be fine, just relax”.  As you promised the 2107 arrived late at 8:07, I boarded and started reading the sports section.  “Hmm hmm, Notre Dame is a 29 point underdog, we suck… again.  I’ll text my ND boys and let them know we suck.  Oh… good news The Flyers beat Bethune Cookman.  Awesome.  We will also suck soon I’m sure.”  It was then around 8:25 when we passed the Morton Grove stop, only 4 more stops until my usual drop off.  That is when it hit me.  I thought “I’m about to shat my pants.”

You see this is when I’m usually sitting quietly on the John in my usual spot.  Like I said I’m on a strict schedule.  Being from a family that has a history of stomach disorders did not make this any easier for me.  I decided to go down to the exit corridor hoping that standing up for the next 15 minutes until we reach North Glenview would make it pass.  Wrong.  This is where I got a little light-headed, confused and my mind got blurry.  All I could think was “Don’t completely shit in my pants”.  As I started to think that was right about the instant that a small amount of poo shot out of my asshole.  Not a turd so much as just a squirt of diarrhea.  I’m 99% sure that the 4 other people standing in the exit corridor, that I see every single morning, all knew who did it… seeing as I now smelled exactly like shit.

When I arrived late to my office at 8:40, there was already 10-15 people at work who I had to walk by to get to the men’s room… which was now occupied by other early morning crappers.  I then had to drop my pants in the middle of the restroom in front of my coworkers.  Somehow there were kernels of corn in my drawers and I do not even remember eating corn.  I’m sure everyone in my office was wondering why someones poo boxers are now in the trash can.  Good thing they didn’t have little Nantucket islands on them.  Oh yeah that’s right they did.  I wonder who threw away their Nantucket boxer shorts?  I’m sure a lot of my coworkers used to spend their summers there too.