When I first moved to Chicago I lived in the Lakeview neighborhood near the Church of Scientology of Chicago.  I’d walk past it daily and was always intrigued.  Thinking “What the hell is going on in that place,” but I never got the gumption to just say screw it and go in.  One day I was discussing with Fancy how I wanted to go and she instantly took the bait to join me.  We planned our night; dinner, a quick stop into the Scientology Center and then to Schubas to see our friend Nathan Xander’s concert.  Game on…

We met for sushi, discussed the potential dangers of what we could be getting ourselves into and decided that the possible rewards were worth the risk.  Off we went.  As we walked, in the thing that stuck out the most to me right away was that they all looked like aliens. I was worried to leave Fancy’s side in fear that they might inject with me some brain washing serum to make me believe in their religion.  After learning about it and going through a test auditing I am convinced that is the only way they can make anyone believe in it.

So first the personality test took Fancy about 20 minutes to fill out the 200 questions… a non-stoned Chip, about 45.  If I had been high I think I would still be there.

Tony, our Scientology guide, dressed in black on black on black and looking like a young greaser from the 80’s, graded us and then sat down to discuss everything with us.

They were having some kind of seminar in the back and there was about 100 clones back there discussing some secret shit.  One of them came out and spoke to us for a few minutes and got us started on our exam.  We told her we didn’t have time to watch the DVD so she gave us copies to take home.  These two 19-year-old girls that were there for their auditing told us “That is the best thing you will ever watch, it will change your life”.  So strange because A.  They were only 19. B. I wanted to make out with both of them. C. I may sign up for this Scientology stuff just for the chicks.

The results of the test were interesting,  it was basically a tarot card reading.  “Chip, have you ever started something and not finished it?”  “Fancy, have you ever had a traumatic experience?” Come on… who hasn’t right?  Fancy is apparently disagreeable and every time he told her that she was, she disagreed with him.  So that proved his point.  How can you argue with that right?  Let us just say that Fancy’s results all fell well below the average curve and she has a lot of stuff to work on.

Me on the other hand, I am way more stable than her, as my results were all way above or right around the average curve but surprisingly Tony, who has been a Scientologist since he was 8 but raised Catholic, (what???) was still able to try to sell me a book called “The Problems Of Work”.  Genius title.  I was kind of embarrassed for Fancy as I am way more stable and she needs so much work.  She is disagreeable and according to the test, lacks accord and responsibility but is extremely happy.  Take that, sad and lazy me?  Going forward she must resolve to agree with everything everyone says, especially Tony the Scientologist. I’ve seriously had back alley palm readings that were more insightful into my life

After we totally accepted this BS in his eyes, he pulled out the E-Meter.  The E-Meter looks like a metal detector and was apparently designed by L. Ron Hubbard himself.  It is one of the symbols of their church.  Catholics have a cross and Scientologists have a metal detector.

This E-Meter thing was easily my favorite part.  You hold two tin cans in your hands that are hooked up to some machine and the guide asks you questions like, “Have you ever had a bad day of work” …the needle on the machine moves and he tells you he is going to help you work through your issues.  The needle on the machine also moves, if he raises his voice, you breathe hard, laugh or move even slightly. Fancy questioned Tony on his tactics about raising his voice to make the needle move and he cited her non accord from the personality test!  I guess that’s why he tried to sell me books and just recommended a seminar for Fancy next week…. that we will both be attending.

He also didn’t think it was funny when I asked if alcohol would be served in the free refreshments at said seminar.  He then asked me if I had ever started something and hadn’t finished it.  So profound.  Hopefully Scientology will give me the ability to follow through and stick with things, and Fancy the ability to be agreeable to work with.  She’s going to be such a better person once she removes her unwanted Thetans.  Alas, he finally asked us several times in different ways, what was your income and if you were the type of person to easily part with it.

One of the brochures I took was called 5-8008 so I asked him what it was all about and if he could explain it.  He gave me some weird speak on Absolute and O Infinitis matched with absolute zero.  I’m not high enough in the ranks yet to understand it I guess but Fancy pointed out later that if you type that into a calculator It spells BOOBS!!!! L. Ron Hubbard really was onto something.  I can’t wait to start my own religion.  It’s going to be a combo of the best of Christianity, Mormonism, Scientology, Kabbalah mysticism and Rock of Love Season 2.  You can get in early and get in my good graces by sending me $20 and buying me drinks when you see me out.

I am pretty sure they will be serving Kool-Aid at this seminar next week.  I’m very pleased the seminar will only be costing us $15 each.  What a deal.

Side note: Afterwards we went to Schubas for Nathan Xander, where we also learned about the term “letting it soak”  which is a Mormon term for allowing the man to insert his penis as long as there is no genital thrusting.  In their faith, this is not considered sex.  I am now torn between Scientology and Mormonism.

Results: Note how high my scores are and how screwed up Fancy is.