Our senior year at Dayton we lived near the prime parking area for commuter students, right near the academic buildings.  I’d park my Wrangler right in front of our house and leave it there for weeks.  (Except of course to drive to the bar every night.)  We pretty much had a reserved house parking spot, right in front of our place.

One day Donger, took my Jeep to the gas station to buy whip-its and Mini-Thins, so we knew he’d only be gone for a few minutes.  This douchey commuter student with feathered hair, driving a red convertible Chrysler Lebaron pulled in front of the house and unknowingly pulled right into our spot.  Before he could get out of the car, Charlie Hustle ran out and nicely (seriously… nicely) asked him to park in another empty spot next to campus that was 20 yards away.

Mr. Lebaron instantly went into tough guy mode and told Hustle “I’ll park wherever I want bro…” Before he could even finish his sentence, Hustle cut him off and agreed “Ohhh… no problem, you’re right you should park right there. That is EXACTLY where you should park your car.”  I knew right away we were in for a show.  This is exactly the kind of shit that sets Hustle off.  I had no idea what was about to happen but one thing was fur sure, it was going to be awesome.

We waited about 10 minutes for this guy to leave and get to class.  I could see Hustle’s blood beginning to boil!  He sat alone in the corner of the porch in silence, which is never a good thing.  He was fuming over this guy.  What’s he gonna do?  Put whip cream in his car?  Banana in the tailpipe?  I started calling everyone we knew “Get over here right now! Charlie is about to do something and it’s going to be good”

After a few people arrived at the house Charlie  walked to the Lebaron.  Then with God, country, campus and all of our friends watching, he perched himself on his driver’s door and dropped the mother of all shits into the driver’s front seat.  He calmly finished his business, wiped with a t-shirt and went back to sit on the porch.

Word had now spread across campus and every guy we knew was gathered waiting for this Lebaron clown to get back.  45 minutes after he left we spot this stud walking back down the path from campus.  It felt like we were hunting deer, the deer had no idea it was about to take a bullet and is just flaunting its antlers.  30 plus guys sat in hushed silence waiting for the inevitable moment.

Dude approached the car and saw us all standing on the porch staring at him, yet somehow he didn’t suspect a thing.  He then whipped his skater bangs back and brushed his hair behind his ear and gave us a cheap cheese-dick kind of wave .  He then decided to attempt the Dukes of Hazzard jump into the car, only reinforcing his complete toolness to us all.  About half way over the door his eyes got huge as he noticed the treasure left waiting for him on the seat.  He most ungracefully fell head first into the passenger seat to avoid the tremendous poo.

Right around here I sort of browned out from lack of breath and laughing hysterically but from what I have pieced together, he took out a sheet of notebook paper, wiped the logs onto the road and drove away.  With 30 strangers pointing and laughing at him, there was nothing he could do.

Advertisements