I went to the Black Angels concert at The Metro last night with this chick Duck Face that I work with.  The background is that  on my 3rd day here she got a new puppy and wanted to show me pictures of it.  She gave me her iPhone and “accidentally” showed me a full frontal picture of herself.  Of course I asked her out ON THE SPOT.

I show up at her place and we talk about her ex-boyfriend for at least an hour.

She tells me she visits a shrink 3 times a week and takes antidepressants in an attempt to get over her break up.

She mentions to me at least 10 times that she loves blow and wants to know if I can get any and tells me that her and her ex did it every weekend, all weekend.

Walking to the concert she tells me she has a heart problem, doesn’t wear her heart monitor and gets fucked up and shits herself all the time. Then she asks me if any of my friends will be there with blow tonight.

We get to the show and I buy her a double Ketel and Sprite, she CHUGS it and asks for another.  She is done with it before I have even finished my 1st High Life.  She has 6 double Ketel One and Sprites at the concert while I have just 3 beers.

The entire show she is telling me how she wants to get on stage and asks the bouncer if he will let her up there.  She actually tells him “I am a great dancer and singer and the band wont care.”  She asks me if I think the band has any coke and that we should talk to someone so we can get backstage.

She gets into a bitch fight with a girl behind us because she is swinging her hair in the girls face, not watching the show and is stepping on the girls feet.  I try to apologize to this chick and she yells at me for being a pussy.

She puts her hands in my pants.

She is dancing so hard she is sweating and takes off her white shirt, drops it on the floor and gets pissed at some dude for stepping on it.  She’s now wearing a tank top and tells me she has size E boobs.  I explain that I am well aware as I have seen her boobs before on her iPhone.  She puts her  “expensive” white Banana Republic shirt back on and dude who stepped on her shirt dumps a glass of red wine on her.  Hilarity.

We leave and she has gum in her hair, I’m guessing from the girl who she kept whipping her hair at.

We go to Lucky’s Sandwich Shop where she eats a salad with her hands.  She then finishes off a huge ass capicola sandwich, with a fried egg and a large fries and tells me she is going to the bathroom to vomit it up because she is bulimic.

While we are eating she explains she has 3 DUI’s and has had 2 abortions in the last 2 years with 2 different guys.

Walking her home she is basically raping me on the walk, has her hands in my pants (again),  is kissing my neck and telling me she has only had sex with 2 guys in the past 10 years…  but has slept with over 50 guys in her life.  I don’t know if I think that is a lot or not but i just find it weird that she is telling me.  She then tells me she has slept with 2 girls in the past month.  Math?  She tries to kiss me and the smell of vomit and cigarettes is so overwhelming I almost puke directly in her face.

I am actually telling this chick to get away from me.

She calls later that night and asks me if I am freaked out.  “Are you weirded out by my DUI’s” “Uhhh, no not at all”  I am actually weirded out that you are a maniac psycho with vomit breath who eats salad with her hands.

She texts me until 3am asking me to come back over.

PS:  Her grandfather was a one-armed Norwegian monk before becoming a dairy farmer. (You can’t make that kinda shit up)

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