Spring break junior year of college we decided to go to my parents lake house in Texas.  A pretty ridiculous crew of ten guys, including me, Hustle, Felix, Desire, KY and The Donger hopped in our cars and drove from Dayton to Lake Conroe, outside Houston.


It was a pretty chill week, lots of taking the boat out on the lake, boozin’ and fishin’.

Some random events that occurred:

Someone (me) tossed a popper firework in Nervous Charlies Fireworks House and then we were promptly kicked out for an attempt to burn the building down.

Desire got pulled over for suspicion of drunk driving.  The cop let us go since he was sober.  One minute later we drilled a dog crossing the street, it ran away into the woods.  We did a 180 to go back to help the dog and drove against traffic for half a mile and with no cops noticing or giving one single shit.

One of the girls we brought back after the bar was a security guard at the local prison, which I had to explain is “normal” in Texas.

My parents made us dinner. Before they got to my parents house everyone smoked approximately an ass ton of weed before.  Desire then managed to eat around ten pork chops.  My father is quoted as saying at the dinner table, “I thought your friend Felix was supposed to be funny.  He hasn’t said a word tonight.”  Dad that’s because he’s high as balls…  Thanks for that fellas.

My mother called the first morning to say “Don’t take the boat out yet, it hasn’t been summerized.”  I then look out the back window at the lake and Donger was waterskiing by with his swimsuit around ankles, waving at me, while I was on the phone with my Mom. “Don’t worry Mom, we won’t take the boat out.”

Desire and KY fell off the Jetski on the other side of the lake and after ten minutes of unsuccessfully getting back on it together, Desire swam over a mile across the lake because he is afraid of the water.  He played D-1 water polo in college and is afraid of the water.  Makes sense to me..

The boat ran out of gas in the middle of the lake.  Donger hopped on an inner tube and swam back to shore for help.  About an hour later he came paddling back with two oars… no Jetski, no gas, two oars so we could paddle this two ton boat across the lake.  Smarts!

The whipped cream on the trip though cam from The Donger… The first night we got there we decided to head to the bar and the closest place was a total country western dive bar called Johnny B. Daltons.  This place is exactly what you think a country western bar is like in Houston.  I’m pretty sure Dalton from Road House checked our ID’s at the door.

When we were at the lake house getting ready The Donger decided to cut his own hair and completely fucked it up.  He shaved his sideburns higher than Peyton Manning and looked like a ten-year old who took paper scissors to his own head.

As we were walking out The Donger came running out to the car in this bright pink silk button down shirt.  I explained to him where we were going and encouraged him to reconsider his choice of apparel.  He gave me a “I don’t give a fuck” and off we went… a child, with a toddler hair cut and a pink silk shirt.

The instant we walked into this shit hole the record scratched.  We were ten Ohio college dipshits who obvi didn’t belong in this joint.  We go right to the bar to grab some High Life’s and within two seconds some hillbilly walks directly up to Donger.

“That’s a real purty shirt ya got on thar.”
“Emphatically “Thank you!”
“And that thars a real nice harcut to.”
“Thanks I did it myself.  I’m Donger, nice to meet you.”
“The names John Jefferson Wayne.”
“Really, no shit?  Do you guys line dance here?
“Yea, it’s a cuntry bar… of course we line dance.”
“Can you teach me how?”

I turn my head to pay for the beers and over my shoulder I hear some other cultural cretin say in the most thick Texas accent possible “That boy must be part queer.”  No…  that’s just The Donger.